Tossing and Turning

I had a tough, tough time getting to sleep last night. My body started out still, but ended up tossing and turning. It was the life I was attempting to live as my head lay on that pillow. It wasn't still. It was moving along at light speed.

I was thinking about:

-the wedding plans that need to be made between now and a March 13 wedding day.
-relationship stuff between me and people.
-relationship stuff between my kids and people.
-how dirty my house is and how much it needs cleaning.
-how sweet our time over Christmas was.
-how hard our time over Christmas was.
-how I need to lose weight before I buy a mother-of-the-bride dress.
-how I need to balance the check book and pay bills.
-prayers I'm praying for those I love.
-how sometimes life events turn out better than expected.
-how sometimes life events turn out worse than expected.
-how sometimes life events blindside you.
-how if I trusted God like I should, I wouldn't have issues getting to sleep.
-the attributes of God because I was having trouble falling asleep.
-how I needed to stop thinking about everything so I could fall asleep.

You get the idea. I don't remember the last thoughts I had before sleep eventually and, thankfully, came. The last time I looked at the clock, it was 1:15.

At 6 a.m., when I came into the kitchen this morning and Lou and I chatted about how we slept, I told him about my night. I also told him that today I was going to spend extended time calendaring and making lists of all that needed to happen over the next months so I could get a handle on things.

I then poured my coffee and sat down to meet with God. I opened my Bible Gateway tab like I always do and this was the Verse of the Day:





A lump rose in my throat and I thanked God.

He is faithful to help. He is faithful to his word. 

One step at a time. 
Coming to him. 
Doing the next thing. 
For His glory and my joy.
He will give me what I need.

Don't Waste Your Car Wreck

Elizabeth and 2 of her best friends could have been killed on the Friday after Thanksgiving.

Elizabeth, Kacie, Emma

The phone call I received around 11 a.m. that morning could've been very different. It could've been an official voice telling me deeply sad news. Thankfully, the frantic call I did receive was from an alive but sobbing daughter who had just hydroplaned and wrecked.

The girls were on their way to Fayetteville to cheer on the Razorbacks in their last home football game. It was yucky weather - cold and rainy - but they were up for the trip. Three of my other offspring, David, Faith, and Mary Grace, were a few miles further down 71 South in a second car, headed to the same place for the same reason. 

Around Pineville, MO, Elizabeth, headed SOUTH on 71, hydroplaned and did three 360°s before coming to rest T-boned against the guard rail on the NORTH side of 71.

There were no other cars involved. At that terrible moment when they were spinning their way across 3 lanes of traffic, no vehicles were around  - to be hit or, to hit them [shudder].

If there had, this would be a very different post.

But thankfully, it is not. If you could only know how many times I have thanked God for sparing their lives. And, mixed up in the middle of all that, I've wondered "why?"

Why did it all happen like it did? 

I believe God is sovereign, loving, just, merciful, purposeful, gracious, etc. What was/is He doing in all of this? What does He want us to get from this harrowing experience? What does He want us to do with this experience?

This event made me think of a book title I saw once. Before John Piper had surgery for prostate cancer, he wrote this book. I haven't read it, but the provocative title has stuck with me.

And as I've processed the events of last Friday - my daughter and her two friends' brush with death - I've found myself praying two things. First, I thank God again for sparing them. Then, I have been praying:

Lord, please don't let Elizabeth waste her car wreck. 

The day after the wreck, I called Elizabeth and told her some of my thoughts. I told her that God is obviously not done with her or her friends. He has more for them - more to be and more to do on this earth. Their work now is to seek Him to figure out what that more looks like as they go about living their daily lives.

These kind of incidents are checks. It's a mortality check. It's a "what do I believe about God" check. It's a thankfulness check. It's a "I could've died...what am I doing with my life?" check.

These are not light checks. They are weighty, but vital. 

Writing this blog has been a check for me, too. This story had a happy ending, but the next one might not. The next story could have a different title. All I know to do today to prepare for whatever the future might hold for me (and those I love) is to remind myself of the truth and to run into the arms of Him who is the the way, the truth and the life.  I must remind myself (through the disciplines of Bible Study, prayer, and community) of who holds the future and that He can be trusted. And, I must cling to promises like these that God has given through His Son, Jesus.

Because I am His, He promises to never leave me or forsake me. Matthew 28:20
Because I am His, He promises to strengthen and help me. Isaiah 41:10
Because I am His, He promises the Holy Spirit will lead me into all truth. John 16:13
Because I am His, I am valuable to Him. Matthew 10:29-31
Because I am His, if I am brokenhearted, He will be near. Psalm 34:18

Thank you, God, for sparing Elizabeth, Kacie, and Emma.

And, Lord, please don't let them waste their car wreck.

Every. Creature.

I am in the middle of Bible Study Fellowship's study on Revelation.

Going deep into God's word is always powerful, and this study is no exception. Most days, as I sit at my kitchen table studying, I am blown away that I know the God that's being described. Even more, He knows me.

I can't even understand why.

But, He does know me and I do know Him, and I'm forever grateful.

This week, we are in Revelation 5, which talks about the Scroll and the Lamb. It's all amazing, but verse 13 made me stop.

And I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, and all that is in them, saying, “To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!”

It made me stop because it reminded me of a talk by Louie Giglio I heard a few years back at the 2011 Desiring God National Conference. In his talk, he did a mashup that brought me to tears.

It's about all creation praising our one true great God.

It's a 14:06 video, but it's worth it.

How great is our God and how worthy of praise.

Spontaneous Parenting

Those parenting moments - the ones that catch you completely off guard - just keep coming.

The latest one jolted me out of a car catnap.

After our delightful day together,

Being goofy 

my 22 year old David was driving me home from Kansas City when his phone rang. I was, of course, aware of his answering it and chatting, but considered it merely background noise until he said something to the effect of, "That sounds awesome! A tour of Texas? When would we leave? ...[Pause]... Tomorrow?!"

I felt a little fear welling up in me and my first thought was:  Oh, great. Here we go again. Another spontaneous event where my child is not only on the road traveling, inches from speeding 18 wheelers, but also going places to do daring, potentially dangerous things with other young, YOLO  people.

I can't take it any more.

I'm not sure if that default thinking is a me thing or a mom thing. But I do know it is a real thing.

Now, before I go any further, I need to clarify that this post features David and this event, because it's the freshest before me. I could have written it about any one of my adult children and events each of them has been involved in. I also ran the skeleton of this post past David before he left yesterday morning - not so much for his OK to write it, but to share with him how God always meets me - helps me - right where I am. I wept with gratitude because I was so moved by the faithfulness of the God I serve.

But before those faith-full tears yesterday morning, there were the fear-full tears being held back as David chatted excitedly to his friends.

I was talking as quickly to myself as I could while he was on the phone. I was trying to get myself in a decent frame of mind so that I would be able to logically talk to him about this crazy trip being hatched. I wanted to think like a wise parent about it all, but here were some of my embarrassing, raw thoughts, in no particular order.

-How much is this gonna cost him? Can he really afford to do this?
-But it would be so fun. What great memories.
-He'll probably go cliff jumping while he's gone. Kids today will do anything for a memory and a story. (think Instagram and Snapchat)
-Well, I guess I'll have to mow the yard now.
-Why do kids today always have to be doing something "crazy" to entertain themselves? They have too much time and money on their hands. (Let me interject here that David hasn't been lounging this summer. He's been working since May at a camp. His only time off -besides his weekly day off - is August 8-18.)
-Ok, we didn't have any big plans the rest of the week, anyway. But I am liking David being home while Lou is in El Salvador. He's obviously not thinking about how this will affect me. (I hate how selfishly I can think).
-What if he dies on a completely frivolous trip?

Good grief. There were more, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Interspersed throughout these raw, basically fearful, thoughts, I can say I was breathing/repeating the prayer, "Lord, show me how to think (and feel) about this. Give me wisdom."

My kids know that if I get quiet when something comes up, it's because I'm not sure what to do with it. I don't know how to react. I don't want fear to cloud my thinking or my feeling. I don't want to "spit in their soup" by saying, "Well, go ahead and go. Don't mind that you're spending all that hard earned money or that I'm here all by myself."

But I also don't want to say, insincerely (and frankly, dishonestly), "Go! Have a great time!"

I really do want to be lovingly honest and wise and a good, encouraging parent. Sometimes I get so vexed that the things that are issues for me are even issues! I hate fear.

But fear is a factor I fight. The good news is, I don't fight it alone.

I went to bed still simmering on all of this, not knowing the final details of whether he had decided to go or not. I wasn't at peace, but I wasn't  in complete turmoil either. God gave the sweet gift of sleep.

Upon waking, I did what I usually do, and sat at my kitchen table and opened my Bible. I've been writing in my Journible from Luke 5 where Jesus tells the disciples a parable about new and old wine.

36 He also told them a parable: “No one tears a piece from a new garment and puts it on an old garment. If he does, he will tear the new, and the piece from the new will not match the old. 37 And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the new wine will burst the skins and it will be spilled, and the skins will be destroyed. 38 But new wine must be put into fresh wineskins. 39 And no one after drinking old wine desires new, for he says, ‘The old is good.’”

I read/wrote this and decided I wanted to understand exactly what putting new wine into old wineskins did to the skins, so I googled "new wine into old wineskins." One of the sites I visited had good scientific comments about what happens when you do the new wine into old wineskins thing, but it was a quote farther down in the article that stopped me.

"Alvin Toffler illustrates this phenomenon quite eruditely in his book Future Shock, warning that where old and new cultures clash, there will be disorientation, confusion, stress, disruption ... and there will also be winners and losers."  Steve Wheeler

That was me last night! I'm old culture and David's new culture. I was definitely disoriented, confused, stressed and disrupted!!

(I did, however, balk at the last sentence of the quote - the "winners and losers" statement. David's wanting to go didn't make him the winner here and my dealing with this issue didn't make me the loser, or vise versa. I hope for both of us it made us learners, growers, maturers.)

The fact that I went looking for some scientific fact and came across something that spoke to my heart about a very current personal issue made me feel loved by my creator. It was like God defined my feelings, and defining them helped me understand them all a bit better.

I'm not really sure how my thoughts progressed from here, but in the midst of mulling this over, I began realizing that I was really harping on and on about me when it was just possible, that this trip might be a little bit about David, too. Maybe God was going to use this trip to do work in and through him. God had done some big things in and through people pretty spontaneously in the Bible. Jesus had asked Matthew to leave his tax collecting booth and follow him. He asked Peter and John to leave their Father and their nets and follow him.

Of course, Jesus wasn't the one on the other end of the line last night. It was friends - good friends - the kind of friends you like your children having. And it wasn't technically a spontaneous "spiritual" adventure, if you can really classify that sort of thing. I believe all of life is an offering to God - it's all spiritual. But God opening my eyes yesterday morning to the spontaneity that surrounded Jesus and those he was around, spoke to my heart about the spontaneous events that I experience with my kids. It's not carte blanche spontaneity, mind you, but it has spoken to me.  I'm not to immediately knock spontaneity, and I'm not to immediately fear it.

Some of you may be thinking that all my described "turmoil" was a little over the top considering the seemingly innocuous opportunity that caused it. Maybe. But you can't choose how something hits you. But you can choose how to respond. And when you don't know how to respond, you run to the one who can teach you how to think and feel and respond. Our Sovereign God. He is faithful. He always helps.

My David is off on his trip. Here's where he and his buddies are as of this posting.

It's a totally fun trip for them. I'm praying they have just that and that this trip - with all they see and do, with all they talk and think about, with all the miles they drive - will draw them closer to our Sovereign God, who loves them, and gave himself for them.

Morning Thoughts

The other morning, I was writing in my Journible the first few verses of Luke 5. 

The simple act of writing words in longhand makes me slow down and notice them a bit more. Not only do I see and read them, I feel them.

Catching my eye and stopping my pen first were the words at the beginning of verse 1:

On one occasion, while the crowd was pressing in on him to hear the word of God... 

I noticed "pressing in" because one of the pastors I listen to, Matt Chandler, from The Village Church, once used a phrase that carries the same idea. He talked about "leaning hard into Jesus." (He was talking about hard times when he used it, but that word picture of leaning hard into Jesus spoke to me. If our soul can have a posture, that's the one I want.)

The crowd was pressing in. I tried to picture what that must have looked like - the crowd of bodies pushing, jostling, manuevering - doing whatever it took to get close to Jesus so they could hear life giving words. 

Don't we all want to hear lasting, life giving words?

I immediately asked myself if I was pressing in to hear the word of God.

Am I hungry for it?

Am I taking steps to make sure I'm getting fed the word of God?

There's not too many things that are lasting, but we are told that God's word is.

The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.

                                                                                Isaiah 40:8

It's worth pressing in for.

I continued Journibling, and shortly wrote the words found in verse 3:

 Getting into one of the boats, which was Simon's, he asked him to put out a little from the land.

When I wrote "put out" I couldn't help but wonder if Simon Peter was just a little "put out" that Jesus asked him to do that. 

The fishermen were coming off a long night of work with nothing to show for it - and they still had to clean up. Cleaning up was what Simon was doing when Jesus made this request. Simon does as Jesus asks, and apparently with no grumbling. I guess letting a guy sit in your boat is not that big a deal.

But then we are told (verse 4) that Jesus makes another request of Simon - and this one requires more than a seat from the tired, just finished working all night and just cleaned his nets, fisherman.

And when he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.

Another invitation to "put out." 

Another opportunity for Simon to be "put out." 

And this request does elicit some vexation on Simon's part. Verse 5 records it.

 And Simon answered, “Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets.”

Was Jesus serious? Simon had just cleaned the nets. Couldn't Jesus have said something about going back to put out before he'd spent all that time cleaning up?

But Simon did what I hope I would've done.

He stated the obvious and then stated what he was staking his life on.

Simon did an immediate compare and contrast and thankfully, chose well!  

Simon didn't sugar coat reality. They'd had a lousy night of fishing. But because he trusted Jesus and his word, he chose to not be put out (and eventually, lose out). The tired fisherman chose to take the clean nets back out and put out in the deep. He didn't know it when he cast those nets over the side of the boat, but he was in for the catch of his life with the man who would continue to change his life.

It was all so worth being put out for.

Pressing in to Jesus, putting out into the deep with Jesus - time with Jesus - is always worth it.

Deceiving Yourself

Snoopy always calls it like it is.

We smile at that comic strip because we all get the point Mr. Shultz is making. So funny!

But other lying? Not so funny.

Like when I lie to myself.  

What?!? 

The Bible warns that the potential to do just that is inside me.

Really? I mean, who gets up in the morning and thinks, "I'm going to deceive myself today! Yep, gonna tell myself a couple of big ones. That'll make everything go better!"

Who does that? 

No one.

The thought that I can deceive myself is seriously terrifying.

I was reading in James 1:19-27 and was struck as never before by those suicidal words which are written, not once, but twice in that group of verses.

James 1:19-27New International Version (NIV)

Listening and Doing

19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

26 Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. 27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Oh, how I do not want to do that. I don't want to listen and then forget. I don't want my religion to be worthless.

So, what to do? How can I keep from doing to myself such a dastardly deed as deceiving?

Thankfully, in this same group of verses, we are given help. Look at verse 25.

25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

Two words in that verse hint that it holds a key to defeating self deception: 

Freedom and Blessed. 

Deception never involves freedom or blessing. Truth always does. 

What then are we to do to have freedom and blessing (and to battle the tendency to deceive ourselves)?

"Look intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continue in it - not for getting what they have heard, but doing it..."

In other words: Read your Bible - carefully, seriously, consistently, persistently, intently. Then, do what it says.

It's that simple.

Well, it's simple to write. It might be slightly harder to do. 

But, if you are a Christian, you don't do this alone. You have the Holy Spirit to help. (John 14:26) You have virtual encouragers, like me, writing stuff like this to say, "Keep going! Keep trusting! Stay in the Word!" You have real live encouragers around you in your local church and/or small group cheering you on to keep fighting the good fight of faith. 

Fight the fight against self deception by looking intently into God's word and asking Him to help you do what it says. 

The result is freedom and blessing.

The result is truth telling. Truth telling me, truth reminding me - equipping me - to tell myself the truth.

And that thought isn't terrifying. It's terrific.

A Wonder in The Wood

There's a beautiful dogwood tucked back in the trees on our place. From my kitchen window, I can just see it peeking out between the other trees. I was looking at it today - enjoying it - and wrote the following poem.  

There's a wonder in my wood

You must look through to see

A kitchen pane, then space and leaf

There stands a dogwood tree.

Its beauty, though some hidden
Is there, and begs you know
Its flowers, white, yet tinged with pink
Its crown, is placed just so.

I see this scene and and know the thought
That wood - and life - are deep.
But beauty brightens up the dark.
This truth has made me weep.

There's also wonder in cross wood
You must look back to see
Back through to blood and pain and sin
There hung my God for me.

Its beauty, stained dark red with blood
Is there, and begs you know
Its Savior, bruised and beaten, sore
He died, His love to show.

I see a cross and know this sure
My sin and shame are dead.
I stand redeemed and fresh and new
With a crown upon my head.

What Can Happen in a Second

At Christmas, I was given this delightful gift by our Faith.

Thank you, Faith

The first page of such a potentially daunting book looks like this.

I figure the top left corner is a good place to start.

What Can Happen in a Second?

The very first thing that came to mind was that hard day in July of 2012 when my Lou took a tumble on his bike and ended up in the hospital for 6 days. Then I decided that his accident actually occurred over a span of a few seconds, which could possibly be more accurately described as an "instant." Since I felt the question at hand was supposed to be taken literally, I had to (momentarily) disqualify what has affectionally become known as "the wreck."

Going the strictly literal route, I came up with:

a blink.
a thought.
a word. Unless it's a word like "hypervitaminosis," which takes about 1.28 seconds to say. (Yes, I timed myself saying it.)
a cough. The dainty kind, not the hacking, convulsing kind.

There's 4, but as I was going down this literal route, I veered off course pretty quickly, and ended up settling on really the one thing that happens in a second - every single second - LIFE.

That's what life is made of - seconds. Seconds that turn into minutes that turn into hours that turn into
days that turn into years that pass quickly and before you know it, you've lived a life! I could hardly type that sentence fast enough! The urgency I felt at using my time wisely and getting that thought out was slightly intense. My life is passing!!

Of course, we can't live in that urgent, panicked state - talk about a joyless, frantic existence - no, thank you. But we are admonished by our wise, good Creator to consider how we live.

Psalm 90:12 

So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.

Ephesians 5:15-16
Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.

James 4:13-14 

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes...

Those are thoughtful, serious words, but they are not joyless words.

They tell us the score. It's only when we know the truth about something - that our time indeed is limited and precious and not to be squandered - can we think about it seriously and make sure we are using the seconds we are given well.
For Truth.
For Beauty.
For Goodness.
All of which are wrapped up in knowing and being known by our gracious, sovereign God. That kind of knowing and living brings deep peace and deep joy!

That's the kind of living I want to happen in every second.

A Good Start

I start most every morning with my "quiet time." Since God saved me from my sinful self way back when I was 9 years old - since the blood of Jesus did work in my life - I've known time alone with God sometime during a day was critical. For me, it's first thing in the morning. Because I want to know and love Him more; because I want to "to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom." (Psalm 90:12); because I want to love people more and live well the few short years I have on this earth;  the alarm goes off a little early, and I start my day with God. I read the Bible and I pray. I may have a devotional book handy and Bible websites up and I go back and forth between all those resources.

No two mornings are exactly the same because, well, because, I'm a person and God's a person and we are communicating and communication isn't rote but real and organic. And yesterday morning, it was as real and organic as it gets. He met me in such a delightful way, and I want to share it here.

Because I'm attending a Bible Study Fellowship class, I have a daily reading schedule. Yesterday, it happened to be the day assigned to read the notes provided by BSF on a section we had just studied about the life of Moses. I jumped right into them with barely a "Help me understand this, Lord." However, not far into it,  I felt a check in my spirit. Time with God isn't something to check off a list, but a person to be with. So I stopped and picked up a small devotional book recently given to me by a friend. It's title is His Name Shall Be Called, and it's a Christmas inspirational book that focuses on the names of Jesus.

The fact that it's a beautiful book is a bonus:)

The focus I read was from Jeremiah 50:6

Now for full disclosure.

I read that and causally thought that was nice - and true. Yes, Jesus is our resting place. I even closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to try to think about it all a bit more. The thoughts expressed in what I just read were good, but they hadn't sent me soaring to new spiritual heights. But at least I had attempted a more relational moment. I didn't know it then, but God was going to use this attempt later. He's good at doing that kind of thing.

I went back to my BSF notes, which I love reading, by the way. They are not a chore at all. So with highlighter in hand and cup of coffee nearby, I began.

I came across a discussion of different levels of knowing someone.

While reading this, I thought of someone I know - one of my heroes in the faith, Elisabeth Elliot. I've only met her briefly at a couple of conferences, but I feel like I know her because I've read almost everything she's written. Because she's elderly (she'll be 88 on Dec 21st) and not in the best of health (and because I'm easily distracted sometimes), I decided to quickly check her website to see how she was doing. I stayed there long enough to see she is still being beautifully cared for by her loved ones and to thank God for her many years of speaking to me through her books and lectures.

Elisabeth check done, it was back to the notes.

It was in this next section of note reading, that I marveled at the tender care of God - the One who knows me best and still loves me most. His taking of my feeblest attempts at devotion and my note reading and my quick website check and then more note reading and weaving them all together to teach me about himself is such a gift from His great and mighty heart. At the early hour of 6:30 a.m., my tired face broke into a ready smile when I read the following:

The reference in those words to the "five young missionaries" refers to Elisabeth Elliot's first husband, Jim, and the 4 other men he worked with. I know this story well. Elisabeth told it in her book Through Gates of Splendor, and it found its way to the big screen in End of the Spear and Beyond the Gates of Splendor.

So, in my notes on The Life of Moses, God brings me back to Elisabeth Elliot and her story and strong testimony just a few minutes after I "checked" on her. If that wasn't enough, God topped it off with the words to a hymn written way back in 1895. Words echoing - reinforcing -  the concept that I had tried to grasp during my devotional time.

Jesus is my resting place.

There it was, printed in black and white. Five missionary men sang that song and rested in those facts as they faced a very uncertain future as far as this life was concerned.

We rest on Thee  -  our shield and our defender!

We go not forth alone against the foe;

Strong in Thy strength, safe in Thy keeping tender,

We rest on Thee, and in Thy name we go.

I was blown away at this point. I wouldn't let my Lou walk out the door until I told him about it. I'm still marveling at it. It wasn't a happy coincidence. It was God meeting me right where I was. 

He's still speaking to me through these truths. He's reminded me in the day since reading all this, that the living of life on this earth - our future - is uncertain. We don't know it. We don't know the joys ahead. We don't know the sadness ahead. 

But we know the One who does. And we can rest on Him and His sure care and love for His redeemed.

As quiet times go, this one was slightly on the dramatic side. But dramatic or not, it's still a time totally worth getting up for.  Meeting with the God of the universe always is.  It's a good start to a day.