|Hannah, first day of kindergarten, 1996|
But my mother's heart is also experiencing "technical difficulties" at times. If you ask me if, technically, I am worried about her being so far away, or not seeing her in the flesh for a couple of months or the fact that she's a young, beautiful girl in a foreign country (who's not going alone, thankfully), I could honestly answer, "no." It's not that those thoughts haven't crossed my mind. Obviously they have; I just typed them. I have just decided to let those thoughts bounce. They bounce into my mind, and I bounce them right out. Plus Hannah has been the queen of organization and has taken care of every detail to the nth degree. I've done nothing but cheer her on.
My technical difficulties have been a little more akin to an intermittent static or snow that might flash across an old tv screen. I'll be blithely skipping along through my day, and I'll see something, or hear a song on the radio, and instantly, I have a catch in my throat. I've even woken up from a good night's sleep, and felt an instant weight - a need to breath deep that, for a few seconds anyway, seems unexplainable. I do not feel consciously sad or fearful about a thing. I couldn't be more excited for Hannah. But I also know that there's more going on in us than we are consciously aware of. And because of that, and at times like this, I run hard towards, lean hard into, the word of God. And I pray. I pray words like:
Lord, I know you love me and you love Hannah. Help me Lord, that I don't steal the joy of today, these moments, by spending one minute worrying. Help me to love her and pray and be joyful! And may all that we do point others to how great and good and worthy you are. I pray that Hannah loves you with all that's in her. And wow, Lord. She gets to do that in Italy! Thank you...thank you.
I'm typing this as we sit here together in our family room on the night before she leaves. We're watching House Hunters. Guess where they are looking at houses? In Italy. There's no static or snow right now. No technical difficulties. Just peace and joy...and excitement for our girl.
Thank you, Lord.
|January 14, 2012|