Tossing and Turning

I had a tough, tough time getting to sleep last night. My body started out still, but ended up tossing and turning. It was the life I was attempting to live as my head lay on that pillow. It wasn't still. It was moving along at light speed.

I was thinking about:

-the wedding plans that need to be made between now and a March 13 wedding day.
-relationship stuff between me and people.
-relationship stuff between my kids and people.
-how dirty my house is and how much it needs cleaning.
-how sweet our time over Christmas was.
-how hard our time over Christmas was.
-how I need to lose weight before I buy a mother-of-the-bride dress.
-how I need to balance the check book and pay bills.
-prayers I'm praying for those I love.
-how sometimes life events turn out better than expected.
-how sometimes life events turn out worse than expected.
-how sometimes life events blindside you.
-how if I trusted God like I should, I wouldn't have issues getting to sleep.
-the attributes of God because I was having trouble falling asleep.
-how I needed to stop thinking about everything so I could fall asleep.

You get the idea. I don't remember the last thoughts I had before sleep eventually and, thankfully, came. The last time I looked at the clock, it was 1:15.

At 6 a.m., when I came into the kitchen this morning and Lou and I chatted about how we slept, I told him about my night. I also told him that today I was going to spend extended time calendaring and making lists of all that needed to happen over the next months so I could get a handle on things.

I then poured my coffee and sat down to meet with God. I opened my Bible Gateway tab like I always do and this was the Verse of the Day:





A lump rose in my throat and I thanked God.

He is faithful to help. He is faithful to his word. 

One step at a time. 
Coming to him. 
Doing the next thing. 
For His glory and my joy.
He will give me what I need.

Spontaneous Parenting

Those parenting moments - the ones that catch you completely off guard - just keep coming.

The latest one jolted me out of a car catnap.

After our delightful day together,

Being goofy 

my 22 year old David was driving me home from Kansas City when his phone rang. I was, of course, aware of his answering it and chatting, but considered it merely background noise until he said something to the effect of, "That sounds awesome! A tour of Texas? When would we leave? ...[Pause]... Tomorrow?!"

I felt a little fear welling up in me and my first thought was:  Oh, great. Here we go again. Another spontaneous event where my child is not only on the road traveling, inches from speeding 18 wheelers, but also going places to do daring, potentially dangerous things with other young, YOLO  people.

I can't take it any more.

I'm not sure if that default thinking is a me thing or a mom thing. But I do know it is a real thing.

Now, before I go any further, I need to clarify that this post features David and this event, because it's the freshest before me. I could have written it about any one of my adult children and events each of them has been involved in. I also ran the skeleton of this post past David before he left yesterday morning - not so much for his OK to write it, but to share with him how God always meets me - helps me - right where I am. I wept with gratitude because I was so moved by the faithfulness of the God I serve.

But before those faith-full tears yesterday morning, there were the fear-full tears being held back as David chatted excitedly to his friends.

I was talking as quickly to myself as I could while he was on the phone. I was trying to get myself in a decent frame of mind so that I would be able to logically talk to him about this crazy trip being hatched. I wanted to think like a wise parent about it all, but here were some of my embarrassing, raw thoughts, in no particular order.

-How much is this gonna cost him? Can he really afford to do this?
-But it would be so fun. What great memories.
-He'll probably go cliff jumping while he's gone. Kids today will do anything for a memory and a story. (think Instagram and Snapchat)
-Well, I guess I'll have to mow the yard now.
-Why do kids today always have to be doing something "crazy" to entertain themselves? They have too much time and money on their hands. (Let me interject here that David hasn't been lounging this summer. He's been working since May at a camp. His only time off -besides his weekly day off - is August 8-18.)
-Ok, we didn't have any big plans the rest of the week, anyway. But I am liking David being home while Lou is in El Salvador. He's obviously not thinking about how this will affect me. (I hate how selfishly I can think).
-What if he dies on a completely frivolous trip?

Good grief. There were more, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Interspersed throughout these raw, basically fearful, thoughts, I can say I was breathing/repeating the prayer, "Lord, show me how to think (and feel) about this. Give me wisdom."

My kids know that if I get quiet when something comes up, it's because I'm not sure what to do with it. I don't know how to react. I don't want fear to cloud my thinking or my feeling. I don't want to "spit in their soup" by saying, "Well, go ahead and go. Don't mind that you're spending all that hard earned money or that I'm here all by myself."

But I also don't want to say, insincerely (and frankly, dishonestly), "Go! Have a great time!"

I really do want to be lovingly honest and wise and a good, encouraging parent. Sometimes I get so vexed that the things that are issues for me are even issues! I hate fear.

But fear is a factor I fight. The good news is, I don't fight it alone.

I went to bed still simmering on all of this, not knowing the final details of whether he had decided to go or not. I wasn't at peace, but I wasn't  in complete turmoil either. God gave the sweet gift of sleep.

Upon waking, I did what I usually do, and sat at my kitchen table and opened my Bible. I've been writing in my Journible from Luke 5 where Jesus tells the disciples a parable about new and old wine.

36 He also told them a parable: “No one tears a piece from a new garment and puts it on an old garment. If he does, he will tear the new, and the piece from the new will not match the old. 37 And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the new wine will burst the skins and it will be spilled, and the skins will be destroyed. 38 But new wine must be put into fresh wineskins. 39 And no one after drinking old wine desires new, for he says, ‘The old is good.’”

I read/wrote this and decided I wanted to understand exactly what putting new wine into old wineskins did to the skins, so I googled "new wine into old wineskins." One of the sites I visited had good scientific comments about what happens when you do the new wine into old wineskins thing, but it was a quote farther down in the article that stopped me.

"Alvin Toffler illustrates this phenomenon quite eruditely in his book Future Shock, warning that where old and new cultures clash, there will be disorientation, confusion, stress, disruption ... and there will also be winners and losers."  Steve Wheeler

That was me last night! I'm old culture and David's new culture. I was definitely disoriented, confused, stressed and disrupted!!

(I did, however, balk at the last sentence of the quote - the "winners and losers" statement. David's wanting to go didn't make him the winner here and my dealing with this issue didn't make me the loser, or vise versa. I hope for both of us it made us learners, growers, maturers.)

The fact that I went looking for some scientific fact and came across something that spoke to my heart about a very current personal issue made me feel loved by my creator. It was like God defined my feelings, and defining them helped me understand them all a bit better.

I'm not really sure how my thoughts progressed from here, but in the midst of mulling this over, I began realizing that I was really harping on and on about me when it was just possible, that this trip might be a little bit about David, too. Maybe God was going to use this trip to do work in and through him. God had done some big things in and through people pretty spontaneously in the Bible. Jesus had asked Matthew to leave his tax collecting booth and follow him. He asked Peter and John to leave their Father and their nets and follow him.

Of course, Jesus wasn't the one on the other end of the line last night. It was friends - good friends - the kind of friends you like your children having. And it wasn't technically a spontaneous "spiritual" adventure, if you can really classify that sort of thing. I believe all of life is an offering to God - it's all spiritual. But God opening my eyes yesterday morning to the spontaneity that surrounded Jesus and those he was around, spoke to my heart about the spontaneous events that I experience with my kids. It's not carte blanche spontaneity, mind you, but it has spoken to me.  I'm not to immediately knock spontaneity, and I'm not to immediately fear it.

Some of you may be thinking that all my described "turmoil" was a little over the top considering the seemingly innocuous opportunity that caused it. Maybe. But you can't choose how something hits you. But you can choose how to respond. And when you don't know how to respond, you run to the one who can teach you how to think and feel and respond. Our Sovereign God. He is faithful. He always helps.

My David is off on his trip. Here's where he and his buddies are as of this posting.

It's a totally fun trip for them. I'm praying they have just that and that this trip - with all they see and do, with all they talk and think about, with all the miles they drive - will draw them closer to our Sovereign God, who loves them, and gave himself for them.

Deceiving Yourself

Snoopy always calls it like it is.

We smile at that comic strip because we all get the point Mr. Shultz is making. So funny!

But other lying? Not so funny.

Like when I lie to myself.  

What?!? 

The Bible warns that the potential to do just that is inside me.

Really? I mean, who gets up in the morning and thinks, "I'm going to deceive myself today! Yep, gonna tell myself a couple of big ones. That'll make everything go better!"

Who does that? 

No one.

The thought that I can deceive myself is seriously terrifying.

I was reading in James 1:19-27 and was struck as never before by those suicidal words which are written, not once, but twice in that group of verses.

James 1:19-27New International Version (NIV)

Listening and Doing

19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 21 Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

26 Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. 27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Oh, how I do not want to do that. I don't want to listen and then forget. I don't want my religion to be worthless.

So, what to do? How can I keep from doing to myself such a dastardly deed as deceiving?

Thankfully, in this same group of verses, we are given help. Look at verse 25.

25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

Two words in that verse hint that it holds a key to defeating self deception: 

Freedom and Blessed. 

Deception never involves freedom or blessing. Truth always does. 

What then are we to do to have freedom and blessing (and to battle the tendency to deceive ourselves)?

"Look intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continue in it - not for getting what they have heard, but doing it..."

In other words: Read your Bible - carefully, seriously, consistently, persistently, intently. Then, do what it says.

It's that simple.

Well, it's simple to write. It might be slightly harder to do. 

But, if you are a Christian, you don't do this alone. You have the Holy Spirit to help. (John 14:26) You have virtual encouragers, like me, writing stuff like this to say, "Keep going! Keep trusting! Stay in the Word!" You have real live encouragers around you in your local church and/or small group cheering you on to keep fighting the good fight of faith. 

Fight the fight against self deception by looking intently into God's word and asking Him to help you do what it says. 

The result is freedom and blessing.

The result is truth telling. Truth telling me, truth reminding me - equipping me - to tell myself the truth.

And that thought isn't terrifying. It's terrific.

Through Thick and Thin

Oh my.

I kind of can't believe I just wrote a poem about my weight, but I did.

You can thank our Hannah. The other day, my beautiful 23 year old married daughter sent her dad and me one of those fun, "remember this?" texts where she included a picture that had shown up on her timehop. It was taken in 2008.

Glad it's blurry. Blurry adds 10 lbs, right?

Yikes. Not gonna lie. When I saw this I was slightly taken aback at how heavy I was.

And then the memories of weight gained and lost over the years came flooding back. In poetic form. It's one of my little quirks, but I'm glad God gave it to me. Some of you may be able to relate. My hope is you all enjoy:)

Through Thick and Thin

A score and 7 years ago

Some serious vows were said,

To love through all the good and bad,

And forever - til we're dead.

Those words were good, but incomplete.

And this may cause chagrin

But both of us did not say,

"I do  - through thick and thin."

Through thick and thin? What can you mean?

The same as "better or worse?"

Oh no. Not quite. Not even close.

What I mean is called one's "girth."

I started thin like most brides do

I'd cook and eat at will

My zippers still would zip right up!

Oh the glory! Oh the thrill!

Then a very happy happening

Brought elastic pants my way

Nine months of thickness welcomed

"It's all baby!" folks would say.

Well, some left with the baby's birth

And some, it stayed behind.

I guess it'd gotten used to me

And thought leaving a bit unkind.

I let the thickness hang for years,

Which I thought was more than nice,

I fed it every night at 10.

Is ice cream really a vice?

But one day past, I hit that point

When you say, "It's now or never."

I measured all my beloved food,

And exercised more than ever.

The weight, it dropped!

The thickness left, and thinner came to be,

I've got this beat, or so I thought

Oh the joy! Oh, the glee!

I thought that 20 was gone for good.

But since, I've gained half back.

Alright. Ok. But, darn and shoot!

I gave those scales a whack.

The thick, the thin, the thick again.

I know this tune by now

I've sung it loud and proud and strong,

I should really take a bow.

My man, he's watched me sing it

And he's loved my size with grace

I know we didn't vow those words,

But you couldn't tell it by his face.

And yet, I say, what could it hurt 

To vow this weighty truth?

"Through thick and thin," it's a for sure.

We must inform our youth.

Wedding thin

All baby ;)

2013 - Skinniest I'd been since babies 

God, Twitter, and Poetry to the Rescue

Anybody who knows me, knows I like Twitter. 

I ridiculously pride myself in being the first one in my family to have a Twitter account - way back in March of 2009. My first tweets were, as you can see, quite profound.

As a gift one year, my friend, Sue Roweton, gave me my tweets in book form - my Twournal. I'm kind of saying that means I'm published;)

Over the years, Twitter has inspired and encouraged me. It's made me laugh and it's one of my go to places for thoughts on breaking news. I also follow my family and friends, which means I get to share in their lives in some small way. 

On the left side of a "home" page on Twitter, there is a column called "Trends." 

It shows what a lot of people are talking about. When I checked that column this morning, I saw it was National Poetry Day. Of course myriads of people would be talking about that! And, I smiled, because I like poems. But who could have guessed that that Trend would save not only one, but two lives today? ;) #seepoem

Not long after I checked Twitter, I was looking at a couple of articles on the web. In one of those, I read some words that really upset me - and from a source that shocked me.  It was the kind of thing that has the potential to completely ruin your day because you can't quit thinking about it. I was thinking, praying, fuming, and everything in between - trying to think rightly about some wrong and hurtful words.

That's when my quirky, sometimes poetic brain started waxing. It strikes me as so funny what all God can use to help us. The hymn, "This is My Father's World," is technically about nature, but a line from it came to my mind when I thought about God's help. The last line of the 2nd verse says, "He speaks to me everywhere."

Today, in helping me sort through my frustration and hurt, God spoke to me through Twitter, National Poetry Day, a little humor and a lot of grace. 

He meets us right where we are.

A Rant

I read a piece of prose today

It made my glad face glower.

Now a beastly battle storms.

My attitude is sour.

Then Twitter tells me great good news;

Today's a day for rhymes!

I'll fume and vent right here, right now

And shun more serious crimes.

I want to bark, "What is up?

What happened to your brain?!"

Feelings flail to hear such hurt

Words cause such bitter pain.

You should have thought before you spoke;

But the damage now? It's done.

What is left is work indeed,

Time to preach to me a ton.

"Tell yourself the truth," I hear.

Opine the opposite thought!

I do. I pray. I try. I start.

God's help is not for nought.

My spirit slowly lifts a bit

The rhyme and time - a balm.

I feel my pressure dropping

And my heart becoming calm.

The offending mouth best be glad

That this process took this route.

My lesser self - my gut and growl

Was ready to take it out.

A Note to My Sons: Future Father's Days

We celebrated Father's Day yesterday.

Since my dad has been gone 10 years now, I spend my Father's Days remembering and celebrating. I remember the good man my dad was and celebrate the good man I'm married to and who is the father of our children. And, I do like many in the Facebook world do, and post something about a father.

August 1, 1987

Obviously a few years old, but one of my favorite pics of Lou with the kids

The posts on fb on Mother's Day and Father's Day are somewhat predictable, but that predictability does not lessen their importance. Hopefully, we are telling those near and dear people how important they are more frequently than once a year, but at least we do it then! Because one of my major identities and roles in this life is as a mom, I couldn't help but think of my two boys, who may someday be husbands and fathers, Lord willing. I found myself praying that when that time comes, their wives and their children would write about them some of the many heartfelt words I read on my timeline yesterday. I'm including just a smattering of those posts I read from Father's Day 2014 below.

I doing that because those posts prompted me to pray for my two boys/men.

Is it premature to pray these kind of things for those who aren't married yet?

I don't typically pray for their future in quite such a specific way. The current day's issues provide more than enough to pray about, don't they? But God directed my heart differently on Father's Day. So, I ran with it. They are my heart's desires. God tells us in Psalm 20:4 - "May he grant your heart's desire; may he bring all your plans to pass!"  I see my words not only as prayers, but also as blessings on them.

"Thanks for being a fun, loving and supportive dad. There is never a dull moment with you. Love you!"
Lord, may Luke and David be fun, loving and supportive dads. May laughter ring through their homes.

"Happy Father's Day to my awesome husband and my wonderful father. You are both wonderful fathers and my children are so blessed to have you in their lives!"
Lord, may Luke and David be awesome husbands and wonderful fathers. May their wives and children say they are blessed to have them in their lives.

"Beyond blessed that my kids get to call this guy daddy!"
Lord, may Luke and David's wives write this about them someday.

"Thankful for wise, steady, faithful Dads in our lives. Forever blessed."
Lord, may Luke and David be wise - may they be saturating their lives in your word even now. May they be rocks that their wives and children can lean on and run to when the hard times come. May they be faithful to their wives and faithful to their children even now - with their eyes and with their lives. 

"Happy Father's Day to my favorite guy and the only one crazy enough to journey through parenthood with me! We are grateful for your love and leadership in our home..."
Lord, may Luke and David find wives that embrace the craziness of life. May they love, laugh, cry and pray with someone who seeks you with all their heart and soul and mind. May my boys seek you with all their heart and soul and mind. May they lead on their knees.

"I am so very grateful for my dad. One of the best men I know."
Lord, may Luke and David be known as good men because they are good men - like their dad.

"My Daddy has been a Godly example of how a father should train up his children. I love you, Daddy, and I thank God for you."
Lord, please, may Luke and David be Godly. May they train up their children in the way they should go. May their wives and children say with full hearts, "I love you, Daddy, and I thank God for you."

This mother certainly says, with a full heart, "I love you, Luke and David, and I thank God for you."

David and Luke

A Note to My Daughters: Delight and Disappointment

This past Sunday, I had conflicting feelings. I was delighted and disappointed - all at the same time.

Knowing my girls might have those two feelings walk hand in hand sometime in their future,  I wanted to let them know what I did with that tricky situation.

First, let me set things up.

We came home from lunch and my three youngest daughters started making plans to play tennis. Of those three, we have one tennis player (Mary Grace) and two tennis attempters (Faith and Elizabeth). My tennis player had texted a couple of other tennis player friends to see if they could hit with her while the attempters whacked the ball around, but Memorial Day festivities were in full swing for everybody, and nobody who could actually hit a tennis ball was available. It would just have to be the three of them.

I could hear the happy chatter coming from the upstairs as they decided who was going to wear which cute tennis skirt. Elizabeth was the first down and as she was filling up her water bottle, I casually wondered out loud if I should go and hit with Mary Grace to give her more of a "real" workout. Elizabeth, very kindly, said, "I don't know. You could ask her."

And it was then I immediately knew I shouldn't ask her.

Their tennis outing on Sunday wasn't about tennis or any kind of real workout. It was about three girls being together on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. It was about riding to the courts with the windows down and the music turned up. It was about being with one of their kind. And while I'm dearly loved by all of them, it was time to be mom-less.

Hence the tinge of disappointment for me. And it really was just a tinge. Quickly chasing that tinge was the delight I felt for them. These three, though vastly different from and sometimes pretty annoying to each other, were seriously enjoying one another's company. They were bouncing through and out of the house feeling young and pretty and independent. And close. Like sisters.

Seeing your children enjoy each other brings a happiness to a mom's heart that's difficult to surpass.

So there I was, genuinely delighted and slightly disappointed - all at the same time. Which brings me to what I really want to say to my girls. And, even though my oldest, Hannah, was enjoying time at the lake with her husband when her sisters were teaching me this object lesson, she's on my mind as I type.

Don't base what you do and how you act on your feelings. You can have more than one at the same time. You can have one feeling one minute, and a completely opposite one the next. If you go down the feeling road, you will say and do things you regret.

Tell yourself the truth and act on that.

I'm pretty confident that none of my girls knew I was slightly conflicted on Sunday, which is such a success for me. Believe me, there have been many occasions when, because of fear and/or hurt feelings, I have "spit in their soup." I could have done some serious spitting in their little tennis outing if I'd "jokingly" said  something to the effect of, "Go ahead and have fun! Don't mind me here all by myself."

How nice it was to send them off with, "Have fun!"

"Have fun, my young and pretty and independent girls!"

Faith, Elizabeth, Mary Grace

My Daughter's Soon to Marry

My daughter's soon to marry,

This soul God let me carry.

Not only on my arm,

First in warmth away from harm.

Quietly, quietly, fashioned so sure

Beautiful, beautiful, perfect and pure.

Born, born, crying to live

Gifted, gifted - so much to give.

Sensing in others the words of their heart

Listening, perceiving, suggesting - her art.

An eye for beauty, and how to display

Joy to all she brings, all of the day.

Excited, excited, beyond all compare

Walking, walking, as if on the air.

Loving, loving, the boy now a man.

Longing, longing, to give him her hand.

I watch and I pray to our very good God.

That she - that he - to Him they would nod.

These two, now one, a great mystery,

Writing together their - God's - history.

Always, always, before our Lord's face.

Never, never, away from His grace.

Yes, yes, you're ready to start.

Holding, holding, each other's heart.

Clutter Count Catch Up

Talk about being behind.

Talk about the subject that cannot be named.

Talk about something that hasn't been talked about since...March!!!

Yes, it's Clutter Count 2,013 in 2013. And if you've even forgotten what I'm talking about, you can read about it here. In a nutshell, our house has become too cluttered - too hard to clean - and I'm determined to get rid of a bunch of stuff.

Up until a big trip to New York in mid-March, I was very consistent and excited about the whole purging process. After that trip, I was still excited, but not consistent. I could produce some pretty legitimate sounding reasons why I've become so consistently inconsistent, but blah, blah, blah. We're all busy, and except for rare, completely unforeseen circumstances, I'm convinced we make time for what we really want to do. This little project was easy to push to the back burner.

However, it's not like I completely forsook it during that time, either. If you check my Clutter Count page, you'll see listed the 139 items that did vamoose during that almost 3 month time span. Every little bit helps. I was actually encouraged when I crunched the numbers to see how my hiatus was going to affect realistically meeting my goal. Originally, I was to rid the house of about 40 items per week to meet my 2,013 goal. Because I was extra ambitious some weeks and went over 40, my decluttering hiccup has only upped that original number by 6. Now, 46 items need to vacate the premises weekly.

That's doable. (Those are two nice words, aren't they?)

So, here I sit, refocused, recommitted and about to reset the "Clutter Count Due" alarm on my phone. It'll go off this Saturday to remind me to get with the program. Not going to moan about the past. Going to start where I am. It's a very good place to be. (do-re-mi)

Speaking of good places to be, I want to end here with a link to a real expert in the world of decluttering/simplifying. It was recommended to me by a friend's daughter. Lacy Clark Ellman said this was her favorite blog to visit for inspiration in the area of simplifying and decluterring. Check it out: Be More With Less.

I hope your June is off to a summery good start.

Many, many blessings to you!

A Rock Climbing Rescue

I'm about to recommend you do some work.

Some serious, but satisfying, life giving work.

I plan on doing this work the rest of my life.

The fruit of this work is like no other.

What could I possibly be talking about?

Memorizing Scripture. 

I make myself memorize scripture.

Most of the time, initially, I don't want to. At the moment when I decide I should be working on the verse/passage I've chosen, I realize I'm at a pivotal place in the book I've downloaded from my Audible account. Or, there's a song I'd really like to listen to, or I suddenly need to check twitter, instagram and facebook and...fill in here with any other diversionary activity.

I don't know if memorization has ever been super easy for me, but I can tell you that at 51 years old, it is not easy for me now. It is work.

But it is absolutely some of the most beneficial work I do. And I want to give it my highest recommendation here.

The verses I'm memorizing now have so fed my heart and soul that I had to write about them in the hopes that someone out there might be encouraged to do the life producing work of scripture memorization. The words in the Bible are true, and eternal. I want to fill my mind - I want to fill my life - with true and eternal words. Life giving words.

So what are these latest words that have so moved me?

Psalm 61: 1-2 (NKJV)

Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer.
² From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.


Memorizing something makes you go over, and over, and over the words, ad infinitum. You start really thinking about what it says and, how it is said.

For instance, in these verses, we've got some imperatives going on. "Hear my cry, O God; Attend to my prayer." "Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

I don't know anything about Hebrew verb tenses, so I might be butchering this to pieces, but on the English level, we've got an example of telling (respectfully and politely, of course) God to do some things for us.

Hear my cry.

Attend to my prayer.

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Does that hit anybody else as incredibly amazing? As incredibly powerful? I am given the example in Psalms to use the imperative tense when I pray to the creator of the universe. These are not meek and mild, timid imperatives, either. "Attend to my prayer" is basically saying, "Get with it, God, and take care of this..." 

Please.

It may be my southern roots, but I silently added "please" on those. But "please" or not, that's a very direct statement to say to God.

The last imperative here, "Lead me to the rock that is higher than I," took on new meaning as I ruminated on it. 

First of all, I noticed that that imperative was preceded by the confession that we humans can have overwhelmed hearts. Can I get an "amen?" I've had my share of overwhelmed hearts, with more certainly lurking in the shadows of my future. How good it feels to say such words out loud, knowing that I'm not condemned in any way for having such a thing. On the contrary, I'm validated and rescued. 

How am I rescued?

I'm told to go rock climbing.

This hit me as quite strange at first. Could God be prescribing a literal cardiac workout for an already overwhelmed heart?

Yes - at least as Part A of this rock climbing rescue.  

When you rock climb, you expend physical energy. Lots of it. If you were to ask my hubby what I do when I am at my wit's end - when my heart is overwhelmed - he would tell you I have to pound the pavement. I go for a walk, typically, but any rigorous exercise fits the bill. Something about that is so incredibly therapeutic and stress relieving, and now, I believe, Biblical. God knows physical exercise helps us when we are overwhelmed. 

Part B of God's rock climbing rescue involves "a view." I'm not a seasoned rock climber, but I am a seasoned hiker, so I've hiked to some high places. I've seen some views. When you get to those high places, you can see a couple of different things. First, you can see where you've been. At this high place, the trail looks different. The twists and turns you had to take to get where you are now make sense. Secondly, you can see breathtakingly beautiful sights that were unimaginable when you were sweating your way up the trail earlier.

Your perspective has changed. God leads us higher into himself, into his word. That is the rock that is higher than we are. When were are there, we can see all, or at least more, of what is really going on. He give us a true view.

Right, true perspective does wonders for overwhelmed hearts.

Glory! Those are truths you can hang your hat on!

The truths in these two verses have increased my faith and made me love God more. I am completely convinced that they would have gone undetected had I not been doing the hard work of memorizing. That discipline is worth every hard second you put into it. When you know you've heard from the God who made you - the God who saved you - there's joy that is uncontainable and deep all at the same time.

And I'm here to tell you that it is worth it.

Leaving the lowlands...

Almost there...

Worth it.

A Marked Woman

On December 31, 2012, I saw Les Miserables.

That movie has marked me.

I kind of knew the story going into it, but I didn't remember the specifics. I knew a few of the songs - also in a very general way. Now, four weeks later, I know the story. I know the songs.

I went with my family (sans Luke) to a theater in Kansas City to see it. We had driven up there to spend the night before our 6:30 a.m. flight to the Seattle, WA, area. We had deliberately put off seeing the movie. We had "saved" it for this time before our midwinter vacation. With all the hype, we were all very eager to see it.

The tone was set from the get-go. Brutally real drama...and singing. All singing all the time. Next to no dialogue. Was that going to get annoying?

Nope. At least not for me. Because after one of the very early scenes, I was emotionally rocked.

Valjean, convicted and marked for life thief, who had enjoyed a meal and place to sleep because the Bishop had pity on him, had just been apprehended and brought back to the Bishop's house after stealing much of his silver. The Bishop, instead of condemning Valjean and sending him back to prison, tells the police that the stolen silver was, as Jean Valjean had told the officials, a gift. That blessed Bishop then sang the following words to "his friend."

~Bishop~

That is right.

But my friend you left so early

Surely something slipped your mind

[The bishop gives Valjean two silver candlesticks.]

You forgot I gave these also

Would you leave the best behind?

So Messieurs you may release him

For this man has spoken true

I commend you for your duty

May God's blessing go with you.

But remember this, my brother

See in this some higher plan

You must use this precious silver

To become an honest man

By the witness of the martyrs

By the Passion and the Blood

God has raised you out of darkness

I have saved your soul for God!

My first thought after watching this scene was, "I would have never done what the Bishop just did." 

Never. I would have sent Valjean's ungrateful self back with the police. I would not have given him mercy, and I definitely would not have given him grace.

Over the last few years, I have been trying to wrap my mind around the concept of grace as the Bible describes it. I have to confess. I just haven't gotten it. I've heard the acronym for grace all my Christian life: God's Riches At Christ's Expense.  I sort of get it, but not really. When I saw the above described scene in this very real, very raw movie, I felt like my some of my grace blinders fell off.

Mercy is not sending Valjean back. Mercy is not getting what you deserve.
Grace is giving him the candlesticks. Grace is getting what you don't deserve.

The Bishop's faith in who God is and what He has said in his word is so rock solid that he can give mercy and grace (and precious, real silver) to a thief, completely trusting the consequences of all those gifts to God.

Do I believe what God says that much?

Will I trust Him and show more mercy? Will I trust Him and show more grace?

Could I ever, in a hundred years, take something from my house that was as valuable as those candlesticks and give them to anybody, let alone a complete stranger - a thief? How do you get to that place?

The movie had just started and I was reeling.

That mercy and grace lesson was reverberating in my soul as I watched the rest of the movie. More than one scene made my soul ache. More than one scene made me wince and yet, I didn't shed a tear.  I’ve talked with others who saw the movie. They mentioned crying throughout. I didn’t. 

Then came the scene where Jean Valjean died. It started with a beautiful ghostly Fantine singing. “Monsieur, I bless your name...” 

Jean Valjean, dying, laboriously whispers, “I am ready Fantine.”

“Monsieur, lay down your burden.”

“At the end of my days...”

“You raised my child in love..”

“She’s the best of my life...”

“And you will be with God.”

At this point, Cossette and Marius come in. There is forgiveness and affirmation of love between them and Jean Valjean. Then Fantine comes in again:

"Come with me

Where chains will never bind you.

All your grief at last, at last, behind you.

Lord in heaven, look down on him in mercy!"

Valjean responds:

Forgive me all my trespasses

and take me to your glory

Fantine:

Take my hand, I'll lead you to salvation

Take my love, for love is everlasting,

And remember the truth that once was spoken

To love another person is to see the face of God!

Valjean's giving, loving life that resulted in this kind of freeing death was the fruition of the seed of grace shown to him by the Bishop. The realization of the power of grace - the effect that an act of grace can have in a life - was, at this point, overwhelming to me. And I started to cry.

And I could not stop. Not for quite a while.

I think I halfway freaked out the kids. They just kept staring at me and asking, "Are you ok?" By the time we arrived at a restaurant for dinner, I was, thankfully, under control. 

It's been 4 weeks. I've been aching to write this post. I'm still thinking about grace and mercy and the bishop and God. I can think of two instances since seeing the movie - since being convicted so mightily about what grace is and what it might look like - where I have been about to live out what I consider "justice" and then purposely chosen grace instead. That's such a huge miracle for me. I'm sure I've had more than those two opportunities in those weeks, but I'll take those two for now.

Two baby steps on what I hope becomes a more grace filled life.